Well, I could talk about it for hours. But in the interest of utilizing the few precious moments I have available while BOTH my babies are napping (I swear, that rarely happens), I thought I'd share a couple excerpts from Jodi Picoult's latest book, "House Rules", which revolves around an autistic teenager and the people his autism affects. Naturally, I related most to the chapters written from the mom's perspective, and marked the pages that meant enough to me to leave tear-stains on. I cried tears of joy in feeling like someone finally was able to put words to a lot of my emotions regarding my son's diagnosis, but also tears of sorrow when I realized that this journey is only going to get harder for him.
So read on, friends, knowing that by sharing these words written by someone else, I'm also sharing a piece of my heart for my precious baby boy:
"This is what you can't explain to a mother who doesn't have an autistic child: Of course I love my son. Of course I would never want a life without him. But that doesn't mean that I am not exhausted every minute of the day. That I don't worry about his future, and my lack of one. That sometimes, before I can catch myself, I imagine what my life would be like if he did not have autism. That--like Atlas--I think for just once it would be nice to have someone else bear the weight of my family's world on his shoulders, instead of mine."
"I have carved a life out of doing what needs to be done, because you can rail to the heavens, but in the end, when you're through, you will still be ankle-deep in the same situation. I am the one who's strong, so that my son doesn't have to be."
"Nobody looks into the face of a newborn son and imagines all the things that will go wrong in his life. Instead, you see nothing but possibility: his first smile, his first steps, his graduation, his wedding dance, his face when he is holding his own baby. With my son, I was constantly revising the milestones: when he willingly looks me in the eye, when he can accept a change in plans without falling apart, when he wears a shirt without meticulously cutting out the tag in the back. You don't love a child for what he does or doesn't do; you love him for who he is."
Sigh. That's all for now. I have days that are good and days that are not-so-good. But all in all, I love my son. He's perfect--maybe not according to the world's standards, but he is according to mine.
4 comments:
I can't imagine the weight you bear every single day as the mother of an autistic child. I know what's difficult for the rest of us mothers is at least ten times more difficult for you. Marty is such a unique and special little boy and what seems like disabilities now will hopefully one day become his greatest abilities. He's going to do great things no matter what! And you're going to be the greatest and most influential person in helping him do that!
So true. No one knows the shoes you walk in. How can one look at that sweet face and choose anything but to love. Well done, Becky!
Hey Becky! I'm glad you are talking about how you feel and expressing it. It can feel crazy so, please, let me know if you need anything! I have connections in the world of special education in Redding (having worked both for Therapy Station and Speech Therapy Center)!! And it's helpful for you to connect to other families in the same position, really, there is nothing better than having someone else understand what it feels like and support you in a way others can't. So if there's anything I can do to connect you with people or whatever!! Let me know!
Hey Becky,
I just finished reading House Rules after seeing that you had gotten so much out of it and I wanted to encourage you by saying that the case of Aspergers described in that book was so extreme it was almost hard for me to read because it felt like every. single. symptom of AS was put into the character of Jacob. I thought maybe I was wrong to feel that way so I looked up some reviews on Amazon.com and the first review I read summed up my feelings perfectly:
http://www.amazon.com/review/RG4UARQ805LLF/ref=cm_cr_dp_cmt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0743296443&nodeID=283155&tag=&linkCode=#wasThisHelpful
I'm not saying this to make light of an ASD or anything like that, I just want to encourage you when perhaps some parts of the book might have frightened you as a parent who is still fairly new to the idea. I know that for the first couple of years after Jenna was diagnosed I felt a lot of worry and sometimes fear over the future. You are such an amazing mother and I have no doubt that God will bless you and Marty for your efforts. :)
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