"Why Parents Drink"

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his son's bed was nicely made and everything usually adorning his messy floor was picked up. Then he noticed an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow and addressed to 'Dad.' With a horrible feeling in his gut, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. But I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. Stacy is so nice, and we've developed a passionate relationship in the week we've been dating. I never brought her home, since I knew you would not approve of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy promises that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and a stack of firewood that'll last us the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. And Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for their cocaine and ecstasy. So really, it's a great business investment. In the meantime, we will pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

But don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren and new daughter-in-law, even if she's Mom's age. Maybe they could be friends.

Love,
your son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my top desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home."